So I had to get all of them on the phone, and let them know about the club (where/when - and now I need to give the kids individual reminders in their respective homerooms because, what if their parents don't remember where the hell we're meeting? I mean, come on, it was a 2-minute conversation with someone who's name they are sooo not going to remember. I'm not any of their child's usual teachers, and what if they forget? Or something? See? Tense!) and I tried on Thursday and couldn't get anyone, so I said screw it, I'll do it Friday. And every single conversation went the exact same way.
Briiing briiiing. Briiing briiing. [Translation: the telephone is ringing. Really? You wanted that translated?]
Me: Ohgod, please pick up. No, don't be home. Shit! I don't want to have to try another phone number! Ohgod, please pick up. No -
Mrs. (I got all mothers, for some reason) X: Hello?
[Translation: Shit. I'm getting a call from my son and/or daughter's school. I am expecting bad news and hoping for good news.]
Me: Hello, is Anne X available? (Feel free to assume that Mrs. X answers in the affirmative. Because all of them did.)
I'm SVT with Anonymous Middle School, and we're starting an after-school club for students who might benefit from a little extra attention. Your son and/or daughter is a student we thought would be a good candidate.
[Translation: Hey, wassup. ::cough:: I'm SVT, and I work where your kid goes. Your son and/or daughter is failing. He or she is failing HARD. And, well, the way he or she is burning bridges, we thought it might be a good idea for him or her to spend some time with an authority figure who really, really likes him or her. Because I appear to be touched in the head. (And I find angry children hilarious.)]
Mrs. X: (Wildly enthusiastic. Off-her-meds wildly enthusiastic. And I'm not being facetious about that part; a good chunk of these parents are not on the meds they are supposed to be on. Thanks a lot, fucking recession.) That sounds wonderful!!!!! (Waaay too many exclamation points is needed to convey the excitement. I stopped at...5?) I was so worried, I was like, Oh no, what did he/she do now...
[Translation: I think my faith may be restored in the world. My child will get the care he or she deserves! And I don't have to provide it! Woohoo! (Takes off shirt and runs around topless in New Orleans. Or, at least, this is what I assume from the sound of plastic beads smacking against the phone and the phone-holder.)]
Me: (Somewhat taken aback at the enthusiasm - seriously, it was like I'd told them they had won the lotto. "Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm gonna pay off the mortgage! I'm going to Fiji! Oh my god!") No, no, nothing like that! We just thought that this club might be beneficial to little Student X. (Fill in some personal information...)
[Translation: Oh my god, don't hate me for something I haven't said! Ahhh! No! No hating! Let me tell you more about why your son or daughter really, really needs this club so you won't hate me!]
Mrs. X: Oh my god, I'm gonna go to Fiji! (Kidding. No, really. Joke. Still wildly enthusiastic, though.) That would be great! I'd love to have Student X go on Wednesdays.
[Translation: Oh my god, I'm gonna go to Fiji!]
Me: Excellent! I'll look forward to seeing him or her on Wednesday, then!
[Translation: Sweet! You don't hate me and I got what I wanted! I think I'll collapse now!]
So my psyche apparently took this nightmare of a task - that I completed on FRIDAY, thankyouverymuch - and decided I needed to relive it, but in PERSON. My dream went like this:
Show up at parent's house. Introduce self, talk with child, with parent. Everything seems to be going fiiiine. Then:
Mrs. X: I don't like you.
Me: (confused) I'm sorry?
Mrs. X: I don't want you working with my child.
Me: Uhhhh...Please?
~WAKE UP~
I already DID THIS, brain. Please to be moving on now, kthanx.
No comments:
Post a Comment